That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
