Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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