Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We talked him into tasing himself.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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