Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
