Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
