If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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