I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
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Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
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There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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