2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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