I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
