i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
