i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
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I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
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It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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