she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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