omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
