Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize