Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
