theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
