At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I need a beard to bite.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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