Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
