He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
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Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
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I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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