sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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