think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
