its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
