I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
