Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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