Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
