Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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