god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
