dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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