I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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