My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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