I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
