you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
