ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
