Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
