Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
