just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
