but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
