We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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