i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
