Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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