we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
