just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
