I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
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NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
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i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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