he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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