thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
