He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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