btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
