if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
