Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
