a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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