we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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