I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
