drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
