Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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