I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Watching her eat just hurts me
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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