You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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