I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
