I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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